Thursday, August 6, 2009

Golgo Banana Showdown Report (ENG)

Golgo Island presents...

Golgoville, Golgo Island – home to scoundrels, petty criminals, thugs and low-life from all over the world. A lost place where all kinds of businesses flourish and prosper under the sole control of those who run them. A self-regulating anarchy everyone had got used to until a series of unexplained disasters turned the city into a most indescribable mess. Successively struck by the black plague, the zombie plague, and nuclear and biochemical warheads, the city is now divided between completely devastated areas and not quite as devastated areas. Despite the president saying everything was under control and justice would be swift to those responsible for the inconvenience, tensions are dramatic and paranoia rampant. Street gangs mutually accuse each other. Those from the more damaged blocks are convinced they are the victims of a vicious vendetta motivated by old rivalries, envy, or greed, while those whose territory was spared want to defend it against populations who were made homeless and what they think could be a set up to insidiously colonise and invade their turf. When a huge electro-magneto-sismic death ray shockwave blew the northern area into complete oblivion, the situation degenerated completely out of control and multi-lateral all out gang wars were declared. In Golgoville, the countdown to self-destruction has begun. Luckily, a few enlightened minds set passion aside for a moment, stepped back and started to seek plausible explanations and a way to avoid complete annihilation.

Mayhem rages in every area of Golgoville.
In the radioactive slums, mutated villagers are under the constant harassment of looters and sluggish critters born out of radioactivity. If that wasn’t enough, two rival alien races chose their village to clash for reasons yet unknown.

Sucked out of a warped dimensional hole created by a mysterious sub-atomic chain reaction that followed the explosion of nukes and biochemical warheads, a group of Napoleonic re-enactors from the future arrived in the middle of a streetfight involving undead wrestlers and a bunch of chainsaw wielding loonies seeking to wipe the ninja mafia out of the suburbs of Golgoville.
Always prompt in taking profit of social disorder, filthy nazis have the bad idea to challenge the Black Death Gang by sticking propaganda posters on their turf, causing yet even more tension in the neighbourhood, if that was possible.

The best informed gangs hear of a strange rumour: a young man from the slums is reported to be “The Chosen One”, the one that would save Golgoville from obliteration.

As the Evil Mushrooms from outer space were searching the village in the middle of a raid of rampaging radioactive dinosaurs, the Black Death Gang took them by surprise and massacred them.
Meanwhile, Brutella, her faithful Pervo and their half-zombie luchador ally, the Zombi King, emerged from the dark and found The Chosen One, stealing him from Martine and her mercenaries!
Determined not to leave him in the hands of people who could be even more evil than them, Jakar Nilson’s men fought to the last to finally capture the Chosen One in extremis.
Deep within Golgoville, in the leisure area, damsels in distress were attacked by ravening monstrosities from the radioactive wastelands looking for flesh meat; fortunately, mighty heroes were eager to help them out.

When the Chainsaw Church rescued them from that peril, a prostitute named Blondie gave them information that could change the course of events on Golgoville; she told them her father was astro-nucleo-physician who could undoubtedly help them determine where the warheads and the deathray were fired from. The old man lived in a high security retirement home for VIP in the fringes of Golgoville.
On their heels: Jakar Nilson’s Black Death Gang, led there by the Chosen One - who had been followed by the Space Mushrooms and the Zombie Wrestlers.
The security guards of the retirement home were completely overwhelmed by such mighty visitors. They quickly stormed the building that nearly blew apart because of the amazing fights that took place in it.
While Mustafa Ramirez was knocking out El Bastardo, he was vilely stabbed in the back by the Mushroom warlord, who captured the professor. Thanks to his science, and their own science of torture, they would soon know the precise coordinates from the nuke launching base.

Not far from there, other gangs weren’t as lucky – all they knew was it was somewhere up in the Hibachi mountains. Understandably, going there was tricky – and if they wanted to be there in time to seize the nuclear armament before some evil people did, they’d better hurry. That’s what Herr Professor Klomp would have written on the mission report if he had to justify the extortions of his commando of nazi übermenschen – slaughtering a few space pussies and Naps in pink uniforms to seize an airplane was not something Der High Kommand would mind much about.

Meanwhile, the Duke of Golgoville, head of the most powerful street gangs, the Albino Vipers, sent his troops to hunt down those who were responsible for disorder on his turf – and didn’t manage/were too stupid to escape fast enough.
Martine and her fellow gold seekers wondered why the dirty punks who were on their heels suddenly left them alone. It was certainly not because of the Banana Bay Hellhounds (they were reputed poor fighters) or the loonies in tight vinyls who claimed they were superheroes. No. Chances were it was because the place was infested by zombies… And, more importantly a rampaging giant zombie hamster – that had to be why they called it the forbidden zone.

The zone was indeed a special one, she thought, as she received a bullet in the head and the Banana Bay Hellhounds actually thought fast and managed to escape to safety through the sewers of Golgoville.
Martine and the mutant heroes followed them - but too late. The Duke of Golgoville flushed his toilet and the filthy waters started to go up.
They’d better found a way out fast if they didn’t want to drown in urine and other unhealthy fluids!

Unfortunately for them, nobody escapes the duke of Golgoville's fury. They were all captured to fight in the Golgoville arena and be fed to the sabretooth tigers.
At the end of a real bloodbath, Martine emerged victorious and was offered liberty.
Instead of taking advantage of the duke's benevolence, she challenged him in a brawl - and won, gaining liberty for herself and a large part of Golgoville altogether!
While Doktor Klomp was flying to the Hibachi mountains, another nazi expedition was sent near the Totem of the Sacred Banana.
It was rumoured that the three guardian monks of the totem had a map tattooed on their butts of a centuries old track to the summits of Mount Hibachi – that map would allow the nazis to send ground reinforcements, seize and secure whatever military installation there was up there that rained death upon Golgoville.
A renowned butt reader, Ilsa managed to see the 3 parts of the map before the Black Death gang and Brutella, who had to chase the 3 monks deep inside the jungle for hours to find their way to Mount Hibachi.
When Nazi intelligence lost all communication with Docktor Klomp’s plane, the mission was put on hold., awaiting for further information before sending a large scale rescue mission. Not that Klomp was popular among the troops, but he was rumoured to be the Neo Führer’s lover.

In an enclaved plateau near Mount Hibachi, the Napoleonics from the future fought their most glorious battle, when, surrounded by mysterious of man-eating savages, they fired their laser guns at them and killed them by the dozen. Unfortunately for them, there were hundreds of the bloody cannibals, and they were eventually driven before the Son of Hibachi – a towering fat arsed giant feeding on human flesh that ruled the tribe, who had also captured Klomp and a specimen of Space Pussy. Taken to a ritual wrestling ring, conscript Marie Luis was chosen by his hierarchy to defend the colours of his beloved Empereur against the Son of Hibachi in the primitive fighting ritual.
After a combat of a hardly bearable violence, Marie Luis unexpectedly emerged triumphant. He was crowned the new Son of Hibachi by the tribe and called to reign over their lost world; a consecration that was duly celebrated by a nice stew made with nazi, space pussy and his former officers’ flesh.

Once the party was over, he used the radio in Klomp’s plane to ask to “Send more nazis” – leading to a confrontation that somewhat compromised the progression of the nazis to the snowy summit of mount Hibachi.

On top of the highest summit, the truth behind the disasters that had struck Golgoville was therefore only revealed to the incredulous eyes of the Evil Mushroom Men, Brutella and her undead minions, the Chainsaw gang and Jakar Nilson’s gang. The Banana Tyrant, the infamous interstellar criminal mastermind who had been thought dead for years, was there, surrounded by hundreds of Zorgls, ready to sweep through the streets of Golgoville and take his revenge on Golgo Island.

That was quite like his philosophy: when people hurt you, vaporise them, their family, their friends, their neighbours and their dog into smoking radioactive dust, then send a hoard of zorgls to stomp on it.

Killing zorgls by the dozen, and under the fire of his deadly banana raygun, our mighty heroes fought their way to the Banana Tyrant leaving a trail of blood and dismembered furry bodies.
Mustafa Ramirez defied the stellar brute in hand to hand – and knocked him out with a well adjusted uppercut in the balls.

But the day wasn’t saved, yet, as the insidious Mushroom Men were still there, and the thought that they might have crossed entire galaxies to seize the nuclear arsenal of a big brained space baboon and rule a despicable island lost in the middle of nowhere gave everyone chi lls at their viciousness.

Jakar Nilson fired two shells at the mushroom psyker’s head, blowing it to bits, while Malcolm the Chainsaw Demon, Brutella and Mustafa took care of the alien warlord.
An alliance of circumstances that didn’t last long, as the undead wrestlers quickly turned against the other gangs and kicked their butts out of Mount Hibachi.
The people of Golgo Island can now stop holding their breath: the Banana Tyrant’s sismo-magnetico-nucleo-biochemical armament is now in the hands of Zombie luchadores – have a nice day !

And our second feature...

Lots of fighters coming from all over the world to, err, fight.
In the end, the Kings of the Ring tournament was won by a stick wielding chick.

Golgo Island figures by East Riding Miniatures
Cannibal King of the lost world by Heresy
Cannibals and Nazis by Pulp Figures
More Nazis by Artizan
Nazi Uber Soldat by Vladd Junger
Space Mushrooms, naked babes, kindred, Chosen One & Chainsaw Chick by Hasslefree
Thugz by EM4
Duke of Golgoville by Superfigs
Space Pussies by Eureka
Nap Re-enactors from the Future by Perry Miniatures / Victrix / Eureka
Scientist by Copplestone Castings


  1. Long live the Son of Hibachi !!! :)

  2. That was a hell of an adventure ! Thanks again !
    And I am looking forward to meet the Son of Hibachi for other adventures ;)

  3. Son of Hibachi rules!
    Uber kwel report that helped me understand why we fought but anyway who cares ;-)